The Big One

Molly’s rite of passage: Dec. 12 2010

Today my younger sister Molly got her Driver’s license. It’s a bit later than most people, but that’s ok. She was finally ready. Once my work was done, I showed up at our other sister’s house, where Molly was house-sitting. I brought a bottle of red wine and we did some happy dancing around the kitchen.

We laughed and carried on, and she felt silly, but I convinced her to suspend self criticism and judgment for a moment and let herself go for a moment of well earned celebration. Silly Virgo. It was a wonderful bonding moment for sisters that grew up over a decade apart. But more than that, it was a family recognition for what in our culture amounts to one of the most monumental landmarks on the road to adulthood and independence. For some it happens at 15, for some at 30, for most, somewhere in between. For some it changes little, and for some life is never the same.

Getting that little plastic ID card that grants permission to operate a motor vehicle brings responsibility, mobility, freedom, and an open door of possibilities. She kept downplaying the importance and monument of this achievement but I just kept pouring the wine and toasting the accomplishment. She smiled a lot. It had been a long day, and it would have been so easy to do as the rest of the family had always done, and be too tired, or too broke to make a gesture. But I could not let myself get away with that kind of unconscious callousness. My recent work, and research has made me want to reclaim and revalue these overlooked moments in our lives and culture. I think the quality of our lives depend on it.

It was crazy to see, because 10 days later Molly was driving every day, despite her claims that not much would change, and in two weeks she had a new boyfriend. Life goes on. I am sitting in the back seat these days, being an observer, astounded at how perfectly life unfolds sometimes. For one person it seems to fall apart, and for another it all comes together. We are all just boats on the great ocean, we may think we are controlling our destinies but we’re all just riding the waves. If I ever move back to southern California I am definitely learning to surf this time.

Rites of passage really are all around us, unfolding every day. It is we ourselves that lend importance and ceremony to them, or choose to overlook and down play them, but why should we? We need celebration and ritual in our lives. We need to recognize accomplishments and life changing events. It’s what gives life meaning, and it’s a choice we ourselves are making all the time. It is not something we have to wait for someone to hand us, it’s something we need to open our eyes and choose to give recognition too. It’s time to place our own habitual numbness center stage, and look not at what, but HOW we handle things. Let’s make the time and energy to focus on what actually matters to the development and journey of the individuals in our lives, so they CAN join and belong in the larger community.