Transition, Compensation, and Questing

Jan. 27, 2011

Transition makes it difficult to see the goal, or outcome. Sometimes all we can see is the next step in the dark. Sitting in a coffee shop, I was freaking out because recently I lost my car. Well I voluntarily surrendered it. I did a practice run on the bus system to be ready for my new the job next week. This has been hard. I am learning a new skill set and life without a car requires a different set of accessories then before. I find I need a warmer coat for example. I was about an hour later then I will need to be on work days, and it was COLD. No seat warmers. No radio. But also no parking or gas expenses. I have a lot to be thankful for right now, but this is hard. Dragging the dog outside for a walk 4 hours earlier then he is used to wasn’t much fun either. He likes to lounge in bed in the morning and soak up the sun if it appears. Don’t we all. If I had the energy I would be in mid-pissy dance.

So now I am planning to focus on research and compile the pieces of happy dance I have found on the internet. But this project is difficult. My resources are not typical or all what I had hoped and the things I am learning as I pursue seem less involved with my subject then with learning to live a new life as a student. I am supposed to write about it all, but I am over whelmed. Straddling a new life, while still combing through the broken pieces of an old one is tough. As if on cue, my Ex called as I wrote that last line, and tried to get me to commit to throwing my money into one of his old, junker cars. He tried to work the angle that it was for my benefit. It has been parked for 4 years and not running. If it were truly so easy, it would have run before now I suspect. I am so weary of people and their angles. I am not a resource or a commodity.

Being behind on finances, giving up my beautiful dream car, dealing with an unstable and temperamental ex who is trans-gender and filled with drama and chaos, and struggling with my homework blocks has left me drained and feeling fairly isolated. But I value the hard earned solitude that fighting through difficulties alone lends to one. I am finding myself at the magical place of “nowhere to go”. No demands, no expectations, no unrealistic agendas. I am very nearly free, outside of anyone else’s preferences or needs. Now I have just the wonder of the person I am becoming and the life I am building and creating for myself, whole, healthy, and beautiful again. Worthwhile. Who am I? What do I want in and from life? I get to quest and find out! It is an adventure all my own!

I am truly on my own again, and as the wall of fear comes down, I am rediscovering that I like it that way. I might even prefer it, as I once did, long ago. I don’t want anyone in my life demanding my time, or energy, or bullying me into doing things or sharing things that I would rather not. It is making it easier to transition. I have reached a point where “I wake up every morning and thank God I don’t have some middle-aged, menopausal man to bother me. I am free, and I’m single and it great”.

I can simply avoid anyone who might try to guilt me into overextending myself, or bending over backwards to suit their desires or convenience without regard for my own. This is a huge blessing. I can make mistakes, and do things that are stupid, and foolish, and I am the only one who has to pay for it. I can say NO, and set limits, and standards, and NOT have to compromise them for someone else. This is Novel.

So now I make daily lists, what do I want? What do I like? What are my interests? How can I better pursue my project? What does anything in my own life have to do with my project? And how can I convey that? How can I add value to the life I already have? How can I set a course for my future that is truly about me and not a child or boy friend, or spouse, or aging parent? No one can stop me from becoming who I am and living my own life. What is the next step? And How can I do justice to this project that truly fascinates me even when I have lost the vision and the direction for it?

Happy Dance. Spontaneous celebration. Ceremony, Ritual, modern life and culture. Real people living in the real world, and not some poorly contrived “Reality TV show”, made to appeal to the lowest common denominator of society, morals, and tastes. My project is scientific, academic, artistic and relevant to humanity rediscovering value in itself, as I rediscover the value in myself. Speculation is part of questing. Getting lost in the forest of ideas, and idealism, becoming confused by messages and information is an archetypal element of such a journey, be it physically, emotionally or psychically. A quest is a symbolic journey with many paths, choices and archetypes to meet along the way that shape and mold the character of the hero, and bring him changed to the final destination which is always the beginning. We are each the hero of our own and collective Journey.