FREEDOM

I have begun to be comfortable dwelling in place of question. A place where answers don’t always present themselves in the form of hard, definable facts that fit neatly unto a shelf for easy filing and future reference. Like proof that my assessments are correct, infallible and therefore more valid, like a suit of armor and self-righteousness that I can hold before me. As if being verbally correct or having the ammunition to win an argument makes me better. Instead I am learning to be at peace with the unknown the perpetual question answered by further questions that suggest a more versatile and flexible life.

I realize I don’t have to be a rigid steel beam to be strong or safe, or validated in my thoughts, feeling, beliefs or choices. Rigidity is weak in the end. It is the supple dance of the willow, bending, twisting in the wind and weather, always moving, flowing, changing and responding that holds true strength and grace and beauty. From this lace of generosity and graciousness I have the true opportunity to connect with others and to truly value and receive them, instead of stubbornly shaping them the fit my needs, my agendas. It is here that I am truly self-reliant, all indignation evaporated, all neediness subdued and channeled to more appropriate venues. I am soft, strong, approachable, kind, generous, and quick to be honest. Self-protective without the chains and spikes of irrational, unhealed wounds and fears, because I value myself, and my life and perceptions, therefore I can value others. I can allow others to BE just as they are, with no need to change, or control them to meet my own emotional needs.

I set out on a journey to find the sacred, to find meaning and value in life and celebrations and ritual. Life and the culture I most identified with seemed utterly devoid of this deeper sense of value. The journey has changed the quality of my own life immensely, but it has rippled out beyond my tiny sphere of influence and added an increased quality to many of the lives I touch, creating a wonderful bubble of loving gratitude in nearly every corner of my life and experience. A journey for my own healing, and sanity that has had visible effect and influence on those around me. What a magnificent blessing!