You just don't reach 40 something, as a single person with out dragging some baggage. I think when a person finds themselves at this crossroads a certain amount of self assessment is very necessary. Not everyone is cut out for intimate relationships, despite the fact that our society and culture tells us that this is what we are "supposed" to want, do and have. With out the actual Capacity for intimacy no real relationship with another person will be possible or successful.
What is success? Many feel that a relationship that has ended is a relationship that has failed, but that is not always the case. In time, all things end, and we take the gifts and lessons we have learned and hopefully we have changed and grown into a deeper understanding of ourselves as well as humanity and relationships. If we are lucky we heal our wounds instead of becoming bitter or resentful and suspicious, and move forward at least holding the keys to our own baggage if we must drag it in our wake. And sometimes, after a period of integration and processing, a relationship can renew itself and its participants and begin anew with freshness and vitality. Ebb and flow is a natural phenomenon in the cycle of life and death and renewal.
We are a complex species with intellectual knowledge, and the power of conscious thought combined with education, information, and the freedom of choice. And for all our longing, yearning, questioning and fantasy about a significant other, and the ultimate companion, we must each face the truth that we are born alone and will die alone. And while relationships and other people are the most significant thing we can give our lives to, it is a painful journey if undertaken with expectations of anyone other then ourselves. People, men and women both, get some very definitave messages about themselves and each other, and their personal identities that create a lot of problems we spend out lives sorting out. While there was a time when strict gender role identities were a significant part of survival, we have mostly evolved past the need for such hard limitations on our person hood and planetary coexistence.
This becomes even more complex if a person is able to realize they do not resonate with these messages and that they in fact might be gay, or trans, or asexual. The punishment one experiences from society and their own psyches for going against the Normal and perpetuated status quo creates issues and problems for everyone that should not have to happen. But all of that aside, just being a hetro sexual that is 40 and single and hoping to find a real connection with another human being is a difficult thing. By this time we are less flexible, less open minded and less willing to adapt ourselves or our lives for the sake of someone else's comfort or well being. By this time we have been hurt and have regrets. We may be jaded, cynical, and untrusting, with little or no motivation to "fix" or heal this condition, or indeed even see anything wrong with it. Our defense mechanisms are at an all time high, and our capacity for true intimacy is greatly diminished from what it once might have been.
Although these statements are utterly preposterous, it is mind boggeling how many of us internalize and actually live by these kinds of messages in daily life and expression and decisions. "Women are the nurturers." "Men don't talk about feelings." "Women are hormonal and emotional." "Men don't cry." "Women are angels or tramps". "A good woman thinks only of others, never herself." "A good man has to be the provider." "Men are never soft or vulnerable." "Women are the weaker sex." "All men are children". "All woman are crazy" "men don't express their emotions." "Women are not logical." ... all of these messages are a part of mainstream society and our daily thinking and belief systems, and ALL of them are preposterous and extremely damaging to our collective psyches. So, what can we do about it? How can we begin to change these ideas for ourselves and our children and the betterment of the world.
http://thisibelieve.org/essay/45586/
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