power of touch

love language. Everyone has a different love language, how they express affection and emotion, and what they need to feel love and affection from others.

Some people express themselves with sweet talk, compliments, and words of love and admiration. Others express their affections with gifts and tokens and trinkets to their beloved. From material luxuries to flowers, to more practical and mundane seeming gifts, it is their way of showing they care. Still others show their feelings with service, doing things like favors, errands and tasks for the ones they love. This person will fix things that are broken, and go out of their way to find a particular item, or reinstall software on ones computer, taking loads of time to do tedious tasks. But still others need more direct interaction, companionship, shared humor and a sense of mutual intellectual stimulation and reaction to feel bonded.

Some people need an open door to verbally process every thought and emotion with thier companions , friends and beloved, while others need space and quiet mental distance, or intense privacy and extending this same courtesy is their way of showing love and respect. Still others need quiet contact, little touches, and caresses, they are sensory and need to feel the hands and body heat of others to feel connected, to express affection, and to share their love. We are all different, and while most of us are some combination of these and other styles, finding a partner that has the exact same love language is rare.

This is often a complex and overlooked aspect of relationships. But a very important one. Vital I would say. Partners with different love languages may both be doing everything THEY feel expresses love and devotion, and completely miss the other persons ques and signals for the same thing. With out an understanding about each others primary love language and an effort to identify and learn the primary language of the beloved, each person may feel neglected, empty and resentful. A sense of being alone in their intimate relationship, and that their lover is removed or indifferent can destroy any good sentiment.

While we are each very different, touch is a powerful component to affection for most of us, but not everyone. I have dated more then one man for whom touch is strictly reserved for sexual gratification and any other kind of touch or physical contact is almost non-existent. Perhaps this is a "man thing", and the psychology and obvious lack of closeness this suggests, seems lacking and broken to me, and is heart wrenching. But they feel that they are fine as they are and call me clingy. (Incidentally I have also dated men that are far more "clingy" then I).

Still, as a massage therapist and someone who has dedicated my life to sharing safe, positive, non sexual touch, and educating people about the importance of touch and physical expression of compassion, it is a huge hurdle to be in relationship with someone who is NOT touch oriented. Babies die with out touch. Human beings need contact with each other. 8 to 14 hugs a day is considered necessary for good mental and emotional health and well being. This is far more then most of us experience, but I have to think that if we all had this the entire world would be a calmer, happier, safer place, just due to the endorphins and physiological effects that touch produces in the mind and body. Can you imagine it?

Safe, positive touch should be part of everyone's love language in my opinion, for the physiological benefits alone, but the most important thing is that each participant in a relationship feels a sense of reciprocal respect. That they are loved, valued, appreciated, and that their beloved feels the same. Ultimately it is the responsibility of all participants to create a mutually conducive atmosphere of love and loving. This requires openness, communication and willingness to expand ones own language and learn additional forms of expression and interpretation. Unfortunately we cannot make this choice for another, and cannot do it indefinitely alone.