FREEDOM

I have begun to be comfortable dwelling in place of question. A place where answers don’t always present themselves in the form of hard, definable facts that fit neatly unto a shelf for easy filing and future reference. Like proof that my assessments are correct, infallible and therefore more valid, like a suit of armor and self-righteousness that I can hold before me. As if being verbally correct or having the ammunition to win an argument makes me better. Instead I am learning to be at peace with the unknown the perpetual question answered by further questions that suggest a more versatile and flexible life.

I realize I don’t have to be a rigid steel beam to be strong or safe, or validated in my thoughts, feeling, beliefs or choices. Rigidity is weak in the end. It is the supple dance of the willow, bending, twisting in the wind and weather, always moving, flowing, changing and responding that holds true strength and grace and beauty. From this lace of generosity and graciousness I have the true opportunity to connect with others and to truly value and receive them, instead of stubbornly shaping them the fit my needs, my agendas. It is here that I am truly self-reliant, all indignation evaporated, all neediness subdued and channeled to more appropriate venues. I am soft, strong, approachable, kind, generous, and quick to be honest. Self-protective without the chains and spikes of irrational, unhealed wounds and fears, because I value myself, and my life and perceptions, therefore I can value others. I can allow others to BE just as they are, with no need to change, or control them to meet my own emotional needs.

I set out on a journey to find the sacred, to find meaning and value in life and celebrations and ritual. Life and the culture I most identified with seemed utterly devoid of this deeper sense of value. The journey has changed the quality of my own life immensely, but it has rippled out beyond my tiny sphere of influence and added an increased quality to many of the lives I touch, creating a wonderful bubble of loving gratitude in nearly every corner of my life and experience. A journey for my own healing, and sanity that has had visible effect and influence on those around me. What a magnificent blessing!

Leslie's two stage Happy Dance

Sitting in a coffee shop when she heard the news, Leslie did a two part happy dance. The initial dance was a miniature seated version of the twist. She raised her voice a bit, shook her fists and waved them back and forth above the table while twisting in her chair, and chanting “I got the job, I got the job, I got the job”. Leslie"s happy dance included a few derogatory jabs, and third hand threats of legal action towards her nemesis, and those she felt snubbed by for other jobs. So letting out her anger and resentment clouded the purity of some of the joy, but revenge at least in words seems to be a frequent part of her initial expressions. But once that is expressed as a possible plan, an important change occurs.

About five minutes later the second wave hit. This was a deeper more internalized expression of Joy. The resentment was removed and the happiness a bit more authentic and accessible. Her eyes lit up, and the smile seemed to consume her whole body. Her fists moved up and down in unison as she shook with low pitched, and quiet, but deep laughter. Her head and torso shook back and forth in small but very energetic movements. This seemed to be a smaller, seated version of her full body happy dance. I’ve seen her wag her whole body like a tail-less dog. The shimmy travels up the body to the head, and back down again to the hips, and out the legs.