FREEDOM

I have begun to be comfortable dwelling in place of question. A place where answers don’t always present themselves in the form of hard, definable facts that fit neatly unto a shelf for easy filing and future reference. Like proof that my assessments are correct, infallible and therefore more valid, like a suit of armor and self-righteousness that I can hold before me. As if being verbally correct or having the ammunition to win an argument makes me better. Instead I am learning to be at peace with the unknown the perpetual question answered by further questions that suggest a more versatile and flexible life.

I realize I don’t have to be a rigid steel beam to be strong or safe, or validated in my thoughts, feeling, beliefs or choices. Rigidity is weak in the end. It is the supple dance of the willow, bending, twisting in the wind and weather, always moving, flowing, changing and responding that holds true strength and grace and beauty. From this lace of generosity and graciousness I have the true opportunity to connect with others and to truly value and receive them, instead of stubbornly shaping them the fit my needs, my agendas. It is here that I am truly self-reliant, all indignation evaporated, all neediness subdued and channeled to more appropriate venues. I am soft, strong, approachable, kind, generous, and quick to be honest. Self-protective without the chains and spikes of irrational, unhealed wounds and fears, because I value myself, and my life and perceptions, therefore I can value others. I can allow others to BE just as they are, with no need to change, or control them to meet my own emotional needs.

I set out on a journey to find the sacred, to find meaning and value in life and celebrations and ritual. Life and the culture I most identified with seemed utterly devoid of this deeper sense of value. The journey has changed the quality of my own life immensely, but it has rippled out beyond my tiny sphere of influence and added an increased quality to many of the lives I touch, creating a wonderful bubble of loving gratitude in nearly every corner of my life and experience. A journey for my own healing, and sanity that has had visible effect and influence on those around me. What a magnificent blessing!

Discovering and Inventing a New Sense Of Self

How does one go about this? What are the rituals that occur? There are a million ways to transform, but nature gives us a good working model. The caterpillar forms a safe chrysalis sequesters itself within it, seemingly absent from the world, but when its process is complete the new, and wondrous butterfly emerges. We must pour new wine into new skins. So many people start with the outside transformation.

A MTF (male to female) Trans-gendered, or trans-sexual person might start by wearing women’s clothing, releasing old friends and things from the past that defines him as a man, and embrace new friends, activities, clothing, colors, and personal items that help zem identify more outwardly as feminine. A woman going through an unexpected break up or divorce might do the same thing. Spend time and money on new clothes, a new look, and new household items that don’t hold memories of old goals or old couple identity for her.

From the outside both of these people are in a major life and identity transition and even crises. That much is obvious, but underneath the obvious it might be hard to understand the choices they make or the way they spend limited financial resources or burn bridges with old trusted friends. To someone not engaged in such a difficult process or a place of emotional turmoil, these individuals may seem irresponsible, careless, or crude. But the seeker cannot be held back by these outside opinions. The road to healing and wholeness is a personal journey as well as an archetypal one.

Theater Productions

One place loaded with ritual, symbolism and ceremony is the Theater. Certain truths hold regardless of the show or production being performed. The curtain, the props, the lights the set, the cast, opening night jitters, “break a leg” and “the show must go on”. So much of the process of a show is in its rituals, whether one is in the audience, or involved with the production itself. Someone is in charge of every aspect of the show, but the communication required between so many people makes tempers short and niceties seem scarce to an outsider. Everyone must be on the same page to make the magic happen and the show a success: the props manager, the stage manager, the house manager, the director, the producer, the cast and the crew and the chorus.

The theater is a place of great superstition, whether real or contrived, it is a tradition and ritual. One that most self proclaimed “Drama Geeks” participate in, and perpetuate with glee. It is a means to prove that they belong in the complex world behind the scenes. It is a shared experience and secret language to create exclusivity, like Latin and botanical names to the scientist. For example: no true theater person, will actually wish another that they respect “good luck” It would jinx their performance, instead they say something that sounds rude, like: “Break a leg, or your neck or fall down horribly in flames…”

Even worse, for British actors in particular is to dare to utter the actual name of the “Scottish Play” by Master Shakespeare! (MacBeth). No one does this unless the play is actually being performed. It is akin to breaking a mirror in other superstitions. Perhaps these superstitions came from the early vaudeville performers, and further back, maybe the Roma, the gypsies that traveled and made their living as performing troupes and later with circus acts…

Every production has one or more of these back stage scenarios: nervous understudies, lost props, incomplete or faulty sets, temperamental (or occasionally incompetent) directors, arrogant actors, or wandering cast members who consistently miss their cues, or take the costumes home. Murphy ’s Law seems to run rampant in the theater, and if nothing actually goes wrong at all… well that’s when the real trouble begins. If nothing goes wrong, well it could mean anything! The show will be a flop, the lead actor will get TB, or the producers will pull out… the worry list is endless. But somehow it all works out. And no matter what drama unfolds behind the curtain, somehow it all comes together when the curtain goes up. No one knows how, or even why, it just works out –usually at the last possible minute.

Now lets flip the coin: As an eager audience member one approaches the ticket sales with hopeful enthusiasm, than shedding coats and finding friends, one takes a seat. The folding seats, crunched up legs and negotiating the passage of fellow patrons squeezing past to claim their own seats is just one small part of the larger normative experience. In fact, as cheesy as this may seem, those narrow folding seats are such an important part of the larger, theatrical magic experience, that the whole concept has been replicated in movie theaters and film houses around the globe. Once the arrival rituals have completed and the house lights go down, one finds oneself waiting in hushed anticipation for the curtain to rise and the show to begin. A particularly enthusiastic crowd may even laugh and applaud the narrator or opening act onto the stage.

Certain behavior protocols are implicit and implied though rarely ever pointed out directly. This is one way that habit and ritual shape our experience and show us their relevance. Again it is the shared experience that instructs one to the proper, expected behavior. Examples might be applauding after each act, or for a particularly well executed gesture or line, Standing up at the end of the performance to show extra enthusiasm. Quietly excusing one ’s self and creeping out to cough, sneeze or let some other noisy bodily function erupt. And the ushers are nearby to encourage waiting for applause or a musical interlude, before creeping back to ones seat in the half dark.

Although there are those who commit the outrageous sin of allowing their cell phones to ring in the theater, the disapproval from the surrounding peers does more to encourage compliance then the largest policeman or laminated sign could ever do. This entire experience is a concentrated example of how we learn our behavior protocols in the world at large. These are unspoken rules and rituals by which we live our lives and engage in the social norms of our particular society or tribe.

Dance Of Anger

Everyone has different ways of responding to and expressing anger. Anger effects us all, from momentary irritations, to the all consuming and unstoppable rage of a grief process. There is no wrong way to process or express this emotion, or any other for that matter, but there are some ways that are healthier than others. In general, in our society women are taught to be patient, understanding and accommodating. To push down our anger and think about how the other person feels. From this we learn that it is not OK to be angry or to act upon our rage in a natural, healthy way of expression.

Obviously there are exceptions to this generality. I have met plenty of men who are seem passive to the extreme, and some women get angry almost daily as a way of manipulating those around them. Meanwhile men are generally taught to cover fear, embarrassment and softer feeling with anger or aggression, stuffing all vulnerability to unseen levels. Neither of these models allows either of the binary sexes to have a natural, healthy relationship with anger, or its natural, appropriate and useful expression. Useful you ask? Yes. Anger can be very useful when used appropriately.

Anger is fuel. Its Healthy. It is a message to let you know that you have gone past many, many cues of “no”, and “Stop”, and “don’t do that”. Anger is the fuel to end a frustrating situation. It is very effective to overcome inertia, when we know how to use it appropriately. The trick is knowing how to give ourselves permission to end the situation before it becomes frustrating. This is a dance we all must do.

Redfine The Goal: Widen The Scope

From ceremony and ritual in a culture that at first glance may seem devoid of them, to rites of passage specifically, I explored the back ground and inspiration for the spontaneous expression of joy known as Happy Dance. I abridged and defined what does, and does not qualify as a true happy dance. I made detailed descriptions of the genuine happy dances I was able to observe. But I have been stumped on how to capture authentic happy dances on film. How can I anticipate them without manipulating outcomes or contriving and recreating scenarios?

Recently I received interacted with some class mates from last spring quarter. One of them suggested that perhaps by narrowing my scope to much, I am in fact trying to play God, and that I need to stay open to where the material and process of discovery wants to take me. So rather than focus solely on happy dances I need to continue to include and consider other forms of ceremony and ritual in my ponderings and directly observable, experiential learning.

About two days later I got an email from another classmate who viewed my blog. The feedback she provided was very encouraging and supportive. She also suggested destinations I could visit to have a better chance of capturing spontaneous Happy Dances on Film. Places like Disney Land, and theme parks, dog parks and cultural events, and even tourist locations. This is very helpful, even though a part of me remains dubious. Especially because the ice cream parlor was a huge and mysterious let down.

Our popular culture knows and makes references to Happy Dance all the time. While the supposed happy dance in this clip is very obviously contrived as part of the show the actors are performing, it is a reference in popular culture television to the phenomenon.

What Do Happy Dances Have in Common?

There is a spring of bounce in the body or step of each of them at the peak of expression, or the height of each person’s bliss threshold. There is no known way to measure this without lab equipment, and somewhat contrived and artificial stimuli; so direct and repeated observation seems necessary to establish the various levels and degrees of happiness expressed by each individual. For comparative analysis, repeated observation may be the most effective and reliable measurement technique I have. Ideally I would like to capture these happy dances and spontaneous expressions on film for repeated viewing and logging a systematic way to assess Happy dance beyond crude momentary perceptions. But without unbridled spontaneity Happy dance is no longer authentic expression.


Here is some footage from "The Nerd Fighter Happy Dance Project". Looks like they did my work for me. But do any of these really meet the criteria of authenticity? I doubt it.





still interesting to watch and analyze though.

Devon's Evolving Joyousness

When she was young Devon would hop from one foot to the other, elbows bent, fluttering her wrists at face level and making little fishy faces, while repeating in a high pitched voice whatever it was that had sparked her joy. Something like: “I got a gerbil! I got a gerbil!” or “Purple! They’re purple! I have purple shoes!”

As she got older Devon toned down her happy dance, the fishy faces are pretty rare, but the high girly, wistful voice is still present: “I got a new friend!” Now, a subtle happy dance would be a wide closed mouth grin, with her head tilted to one side, and wide, slowly fluttering eye lids. A more excited Happy Dance might include jumping up and down, or shaking the head up and down.

When truly blissed out she might lay herself out across the nearest furniture or floor and look back at you upside down, with long, slow cat-like blinks, pretending to be a dragon, she makes one feel like a food source as she silently licks her lips in one long, slow motion, still blinking and smiling.